This story was sent to me today by an old friend who wishes to remain nameless. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty. Enjoy.
I went to a small high school where everybody knew my name. About half way I had to transfer to a neighboring high schools, so I knew everybody’s name and there neighbors name as well. Over the years I’ve drank most of these names clear out of my memory, but there were some great friends, beautiful girls and complete savages that I’ll never forget.
One name I’ll never forget is a savage by the name of Steve Westover, who’s nick name was Westy. One of the first things I remember about old Westy was that he would bring a tupperwear bowl to lunch. Inside that bowl was water and uncooked hotdogs. Westy would polish off 3 hotdogs each day, dump the water on the lunch room floor and then bum 35 cents from his cousin Mike Ordway for some chocolate milk to wash it all down.
The second thing I remember about Steve Westover was a prank this crazy bastard Rick Hills pulled. Aside from smoking his moms weed Rick would spend most of his days putting signs on his classmates backs. He started out with “Kick Me” and progressed to much meaner personal notes. On the day of the Ballad of Steve T Westover, Rick’s backpack was loaded with a sack of stolen homegrown, 3 sheets of notebook paper and a scotch tape dispenser.
That day at lunch Rick (on my dare) tagged Westy’s back with a note that read “I look like a piece of shit”. Now in all fairness Westy really did look like a piece of shit. His hair and skin tone had an identical luster to fecal matter. He sure did smell like deuce, but visually you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who looked more like a piping hot heap of ISH that Westy. I couldn’t really find the words to prove it so I went on MySpace and found a pic.
This is Westy and maybe his kid or something:
[Edit: I'm replacing the original picture with this resemblance to avoid any potential embarrasement for those involved.]
Well it took no time at all for everyone at lunch to find out that Westy had sign a sign on his back, self proclaiming to look like pure deuce. When I say everyone I mean everyone but Westy. Mr. Balowski my history teacher definitely took notice, chuckled and then looked the other way. I thought I was going to die of laughter…. but then very quickly things got tense.
One of the seniors (a name I’ve long forgotten) who was a real dick rolled up on Westover punched him in the chest and said “You know you really do”. Westy replies “What?”, Dickhead Senior replies “You really do look like shit”. At this point Mike Ordway figures out what’s going on, and gets the fuck out of there. Westy’s clueless but Jermaine Trasowski fills him in “Nick put a sign on your back”. Well for once in his life Nick really got something right, because that sign was just in the perfectly impossible place for Westy to get it off his back. He starts squirming like a mofo all the while the senior is poking him in his chest and yelling “you look like shit, you look like shit”.
I don’t know what was in the air that day but it must have been something special. Not only had Rick pulled a great prank that captured the attention of the whole lunch room but Steve Westover was about to become in my book a hero. There he was getting laughed at, poked in the chest, taunted about looking like shit, and squirming to get Rick’s note off his back. Westy snapped. He stood up like a champion pile of deuce, grabed his tupper-wear container and threw the hot dog water in to the eyes of his taunter. He then took his caveman skull and headd butted the senior screaming “fuck you! you look like shit!”. Well I don’t know about you but hot dog water alone would take me out, but Westy wacking me with his deuce dome is enough to lay out any man. The crowd erupted! Mike Ordway and Jermaine watched in awe, as did I. Rick Hills smiled like he had just scored a fresh pack of newports. Mr. Balowski ran over and broke it up. The damage however was done, and if I remember correctly Westover got 3 days in house suspension.
Thats all for today, but some time soon I’d like to write about another time I ran across Westy while I was stoned and he was working at Diary Queen.